Study Guide – Replacing the Idol of Me

Replacing the Idol of Me

Self(less) Love

Proverbs 26:12; 3:5-8

The Text

¹² Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes?

There is more hope for a fool than for him.

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

⁶ In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

⁷ Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

⁸ It will be healing to your flesh

and refreshment to your bones.

Introduction:

For the next four weeks, we’re looking at the book of Proverbs. It’s a book of wisdom, and specifically, we want wisdom for relationships. We’ve subtitled the series: the biblical family in an individualistic age.

Our cultures is obsessed with the self. Never before have people been told that the highest goal in life is to discover, express, and protect their true inner self—that any relationship, whether dating, or spouse, or family member that gets in the way of this is probably toxic or at least negotiable.

This isn’t just generic selfishness that humans have always struggled with. It’s more specific and powerful: we live in a culture of expressive individualism which says that your feelings, your inner-psychological self—that’s the ultimate authority.

This means all of our relationships are shaky at best. Not only has marriage become a contract that can be broken at any moment, in younger generations, it’s terribly delayed or entirely avoided.

We no longer see children as a natural outcome of marriage. Instead, we see them more as accessories or lifestyle choices that may or may not be right to enhance your journey. And many who are parents feel ill-equipped for the task.

I’m not a big statistics guy, but hear me out for a moment:

• Only 56% of Gen Z will ever marry.

• Statistically speaking, you are far more likely to break up if you live together before marriage, yet most people see cohabitation as low-risk “practice.”

• Younger men are asking themselves, “If I don’t need to get married, and children are optional, then what am I working for?”

• And on top of all of this, no generation has ever struggled more with the concept of self and identity.

In other words, the more we focus on discovering and expressing the identities we’ve created for ourselves, the lonelier and more miserable we’ve become.

Now, I’m not here to tell you that every marriage must produce children, or that every single person must end up married. But I will say this: our culture’s approach to identity and relationships is not working, and it cannot work. It’s broken.

The good news is that God has not left us without divine wisdom for this very moment. In our passage, we’re told that we have an idolatrous and foolish fixation with the “self.” Frankly, the passage says our cultural obsession with self is beyond foolish, which means it’s destroying our relationships. And,  if we want relationships that last, the idol of self must be replaced.

So, let’s see:

1. The Idol Exposed
2. The Idol’s Folly
3. The Idol Replaced

1. The Idol Exposed

Both passages expose the idol to us:

Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? (Prov. 26:12a)

Be not wise in your own eyes (Prov. 3:7a)

The entire book of Proverbs was written to explain that wisdom comes from outside yourself.

Wisdom comes first from God, who is the source of all wisdom. But it also comes from others. Proverbs constantly tells you to get wisdom from your father, your mother, from wise counsellors.

But here is someone who doesn’t get wisdom from external sources; he’s wise “in his own eyes.” In other words: he’s looking within for wisdom.

Now, why do I use the word, “idol.” Aren’t idols carved images that primitive people bowed down to? Well, in all those cultures, when you needed rain for your crops and you bowed down and prayed and sacrificed to the rain deity, what were you doing? You were saying, “I need your support. The weight of my crops, the weight of my family and community, my very life… I’m leaning on you.”

Prov. 3 tells us not to lean on our own understanding. When you lean on something, it supports you. When my kids get tired at theme parks, they lean on me. When you’re on the treadmill, and you’re gassed, you lean on it. Whatever you’re leaning on, whatever you’re putting your weight on, that’s what you trust to hold you up; it’s your foundation.

You see, that’s really what an idol is. It’s whatever you put all of your weight on. It’s what you lean on.

And our culture says, “The foundation of your life is your inner self.” It’s the belief that all wisdom for life and choices comes from within.

We no longer look outside of ourselves for direction and guidance. We no longer, as a culture, put our weight on parents, or religion, or even God. We may say we do, but what’s the real foundation for our lives? Self.

Think about a young woman in her mid-twenties who’s been dating someone seriously for a few years. Things get hard—life is stressful, the career isn’t working the way she wanted, and the relationship has lost its shine. She’s decided to end it and she says, “I just need space to figure out who I am right now.” What’s she saying is, “I have to listen to my inner voice. My inner self is the source of wisdom.”

Or consider another young girl, from Norway; more precisely, from the kingdom of Arendelle. She’s told her whole life to hide her true self. Conceal. Don’t feel. Put on a show.

Then she has this breakthrough moment. I’m going to “Let it go.” She runs off to the mountains, builds an ice palace, and sings… they always sing.

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me

I’m free

Look on social media. How many posts begin like this: “After a lot of soul-searching…I’ve decided to end this relationship, quit this job, move to this state…” And look at all the comments: “So proud of you choosing you.” You see, many celebrate this as wisdom. Our culture sees this as maturity. But Proverbs says it’s idolatry. And here’s why:

You and I were made by God and for God, and, therefore, he, must be the foundation of our wisdom. And anything you place as your foundation that is not God—becomes an idol.

So, an idol isn’t just a carved image that you bow down to—it’s anything you put that the center of your life, the center of your heart, that isn’t God.

The self is not a bad thing—it’s just not an ultimate thing. When you make “self” an ultimate thing, you’re turning it into an idol. And Proverbs 3 exposes that idol for what it is. Do not be wise in your own eyes! Why?

2. The Idol’s Folly

Prov. 26:12

Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes?

There is more hope for a fool than for him.

I want you to see that there is no stronger rebuke in all of Proverbs than this. Proverbs constantly warns about being around a fool. Don’t associate with fools. Don’t be a fool. But here, Proverbs says, “There’s someone who is worse than even the fool.”

Derek Kidner, in his commentary, says that while the fool is stupid, at least his stupidity might learn him a few lessons. But the person who is wise in his own eyes is worse than stupid—he’s self-deluded and deceived. He’s worse than a fool.

To be blunt, Proverbs says: “Because we lean upon our inner-self, we’re the most foolish generation in human history.”

Why It’s Foolish

Very simply, being wise in your own eyes is foolish because you constantly change. Your twenty-year-old self remembers your fifteen-year-old self, and you think, “I was such an idiot.” Then your thirty-five-year-old self remembers your twenty-year-old self and says, “Wow, I was an idiot. I didn’t know anything.”

So, Jonathan, what are you saying?

I’m saying, “You change,” and there’s a high degree certainty that many things you feel deeply today are not true. Things you love today you will not love in 5 years. Things that seem unfixable in your relationships today will not seem unfixable in 5 months. Therefore, you should not trust in what you feel. It’s foolish.

Why It Wrecks Relationships

Not only is it foolish, being wise in your own eyes will poison your relationships.

Prov. 3:8 says that when you trust in the Lord it will be, “healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones,”which means that to be wise in your own eyes turns you into a sick person. Which is another way of saying, “Self-centeredness poisons everything.”

Listen, when self becomes the ultimate factor:

Every relationship is fragile and commitments are all conditional. Relationships only last as long as they serve me. Children become accessories to personal fulfillment.

You can’t be vulnerable. True vulnerability isn’t just sharing your inner-most thoughts and feelings, true vulnerability allows someone to challenge those thoughts and feelings. Self-centered people can’t do that.

Self-centeredness creates chronic conflict. The self-wise person isn’t just ignorant—he can’t be taught. She can’t be challenged, corrected, or see the other’s perspective. Any disagreement is recast as “harmful to my identity.”

Parents, listen: if you are wise in your own eyes, you will damage your children in one of two ways. On the one hand you may rule them with an unflinching iron fist—demanding perfect obedience, crushing any disagreement, and making them cower every time you speak. They’ll fear you, but they will not respect you. They may externally comply with your rules, but you’re raising rebels at heart. They won’t know how to think for themselves, and the moment they are out from under your authority, they’ll self-destruct.

Or, on the other hand, you may ignore them altogether, running from the hard, patient work of training them into wisdom and godliness; instructing, disciplining them, and committing to the life of the church, because it siphons off too much time you could have given to yourself.

Ultimately it Wrecks You Too

Not only is it foolish, and not only does it wreck relationships, but self-centeredness ultimately wrecks you too. Because, in the end, there is only enough room for one person in your life—you.

At the end of The Four Loves, Lewis says this:

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable.

Why is ours the loneliest culture? Because we avoid entanglements. The moment a relationship gets serious, we know it’s going to change us, and we bolt.

If you are wise in your own eyes—if your inner-self is the ultimate authority on relationships—you are not just poisoning your partner, or your spouse, or your kids—you’re drinking the poison yourself.

3. The Idol Replaced

Proverbs 3 doesn’t just tell us to remove the idol of self. It tells us to replace it. If you really want to understand how humans work, how your own heart works, you must learn that you can’t simply remove what’s at the center of your heart. Something has to take its place. Something has to be at the center.

Remember what we said: you’re going to lean on something. Our hearts abhor a vacuum and will fiercely resist any attempt to leave it empty. You’re going to put your weight on something, and it has to hold you up.

So, it’s not a matter of just removing an idol—it has to be replaced and eclipsed by something greater. And surprisingly, Proverbs says that greater love is not love of spouse or love of children.

You see, religious people expect me to say, “You’re loving yourself too much. Instead, you have love your spouse or your kids. Put them at the center. Make them the foundation.” Proverbs doesn’t do that. Some of you have tried that and you quickly learn how disastrous this is.

If you put another human being—even the best spouse or the best children at the foundation of your life—if you lean on them and rest on them—you will either crush them with your expectations, or they will crush you with their inability to meet your expectations.

They are just as flawed as you are. They are so flawed, so sinful, that God had to kill his own Son to redeem them. What makes you think you can make them the center of your life?

No, Proverbs 3:5 says, Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

The word acknowledge, says Kidner, doesn’t just mean to recognize the Lord. It’s the same word used in the Bible, for the deep intimate knowledge shared by a husband and wife.

In other words, Proverbs 3 says the only way out of self-love, is to experience deep, fellowship and love with God. He has to become the center of your life. His love has to fill your heart. He has to be your foundation—what you lean upon.

So how does this actually work in real life? How do we move from self at the center to Christ at the center. We’ll dive deeper into this for three more weeks, but let me just share this:

Putting yourself at the center is like trying to love others out of a tiny bucket. You give to your spouse, to your kids, to your friends—and when they don’t give back in equal measure, the bucket runs dry. You get resentful. You keep score. “I’ve given so much! What am I getting?”

But the gospel changes the plumbing of your heart. When Jesus Christ—his cross —becomes central—you are connected to a Pacific Ocean of love flowing into you from the Father.

Because Jesus Christ was punished because of your self-centeredness on the cross…listen because, at the cross, he drank the poison…  you are now loved with a love that will not let you go and can never be taken away.

You no longer have a bucket—you have a fire hose connected to an infinite ocean. You can keep giving even when they don’t give back, because you’re no longer loving them out of your own resources.

You see, you can’t just remove the idol of self-love—it has to be replaced by the divine love of God in Jesus Christ. This is the great exchange the gospel offers.

So, what’s at the center of your life? What are you leaning on right now?

Look to Jesus Christ and say…

My hope is built on nothing less,

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand.